Lesson One: Reinforcements and How to Get The Help You Need

Lesson One | Reinforcements | Asking For Help Is The Worst 

Welcome to the Reinforcements Online Book Club!

Over the next 28 days, we’ll be reading and living the book Reinforcements by Heidi Grant. If you haven’t gotten your copy of the book yet, you can get one here!

Each week, we’ll read a section of the book and focus on a specific theme. Every day, you’ll have one or two lessons based on that book section and theme. You’ll watch videos, read extra content, and have the opportunity to practice the book’s principles with writing and action prompts. 

• In this book club you’ll get the formula to overcome the fear of being disliked so finally you can reach out to your community.
• In this book club you’ll get scientific insight to overcome the discomfort of asking for help so finally you can get others to pitch in.

Ok- we’ll say it. Asking for help SUCKS. It’s uncomfortable and it makes us feel about 2 inches tall.

Even the smallest ask can make us squirm in our chairs. Things that we KNOW the other person wouldn’t even think twice about helping us with can keep us up for hours at night. But… why is that? What is it about asking for help that makes us shrink like a month-old birthday balloon? 

It turns out, the social pain we feel manifests in the same way as physical pain in our brain.

But is this pain founded in anything real? Yes and no. People do sometimes resent helping, and that can be an incredibly painful situation for both parties. But we can alleviate our own suffering and actually bring JOY to the giver by focusing on asking for help in a way that employs personal agency.

Decrease social pain on both sides by employing personal agency in your ask.

Personal agency is equated with the feeling of choice. When we are truly given the choice to help or not – without the guilt, control, or pressure… then choosing to help can feel ecstatic for the giver.

Make sure that you ask for help in a way that makes the giver feel free to choose. 

Unconditional asking often results in unconditional giving. As soon as the situation feels forced, however, that joy swings into resentment. 

Still not sure exactly how to get over that uncomfortable feeling? That’s OK. We’re going to spend most of the week understanding what happens in our brain that creates these yucky feelings. Once we understand these feelings and how they manifest in our brain, we can begin to reframe our thinking and diffuse the pain triggers.